Asking both questions here. Please don’t be too political here, it’s a timeless issue and that’s the angle I’m asking from.
Especially in an age which no longer is lenient towards it (not that any era did; I’m sure the most ancient of knights did not wish to fall for it), it always surprises me how dogmatically people treat their intuition, as in there are people who will say “that’s definitely a guy” or “that’s definitely a girl” even though a trip down Google lane will show how easy it is to have “definitely a guy” vibes as a girl or “definitely a girl” vibes as a guy.
My voice over the phone is ambiguous and I was calling customer service for a sport company one day, and half-way through the call, they held their hand on the part of the phone they speak in (poorly, which is why I still heard them) to refer to the “ma’am” on the other side (me), and quick-thinking me imitated the old man from the demonic furby clip saying “I’m a sir”, to everyone’s laughter. I’m only humorous when it’s adequate to get the message across.
I’m not often misgendered by my looks, the last time that happened I was in school wearing pink and a teacher thought I was a girl. And I think I’ve only misgendered someone once for the same reason.
I thought to ask this seeing people really hammer into people about what gender a friend of mine must be even though it’s not the friend’s gender. Like, take this picture of the friend for example, what gender comes to your mind looking at that (you can count that as a side question and a “second opinion” question to an earlier one)? What made you say this with certainty?
Why? Looks, voice.
If it’s not intentional, it doesn’t matter.
Like, take this picture of the friend for example, what gender comes to your mind looking at that
JPEG. A cooked JPEG. That JPEG isn’t well done, it’s congratulations.
(Can’t tell)It’s not uncommon for my phone voice to be misgendered. I don’t especially care, so I often don’t bother correcting them if I don’t expect to ever talk to them again.
take this picture of the friend for example
Hey I know this one. White and gold, final answer.
I cop that as a cisfem (not to downplay the damage), idiots gotta idiot.
Call me anything you like, just don’t call me late for dinner.
In my case they went on a huuge rant next call (to me) about the previous tech ‘a man called andy who didn’t have me try any of this!!’
Yes i did. You just didn’t fucking listen. Would you like the recording?
I was a tall and thin teenage girl, wore heels, hung out in gay bars, not gay but they were a safe space for weird kids, sometimes when wearing lotsa makeup got mistaken for drag queen, wasn’t there to pick up guys, obviously, so didn’t have to care. So last time was very, very long ago.
But I just address people now how they present, and since it’s gotten more complicated it’s also become fine to ask people how they would like to be addressed, do they have a choice of pronouns, whatever. It’s not rocket science, just be nice.
Couple weeks ago. I live in a very “traditional” part of the world and long hair isn’t common on men, especially well taken care of long hair. If I’m not wearing a cap, people often get confused before they see my beard. I don’t mind it, honestly.
Don’t remember the last time I misgendered someone, really.
I used to get called “girl” or “she” frequently when I worked at a club that hosted a lot of queer dance parties. But I didn’t feel misgendered, instead rather endeared. So I don’t know if that counts.
I’ve been midgendered a few times since I have long hair - it mostly happened in my teen years (the early 00s) and I think my big bushy beard (and people being generally more considerate) has mostly stopped it. It’s a bit amusing actually since I often wear skirts these days (most clothing doesn’t need to be gendered). I’m sure I accidentally misgendered people in my youth (and before trans awareness was as wide spread as it is today) but these days I just avoid ever assuming someone’s gender - it’s not the way I’ll identify people when I meet them.
I think misgendering can hurt whether it’s intentional or not - so my apologies to anyone I ever accidentally misgendered - but there are some assholes that delight in doing it intentionally and those people can fuck off.
(Disclaimer, have ADHD, got distracted part way through, may be a bit rambly)
Heavy Metal never died, but it did make things confusing for people approaching long-haired metalheads from behind!
It was actually quite funny. I was biking and this man asked me for some cash and gendered me right. So I went over and gave him something and then he suddenly misgendered me when giving thanks.
Last time I misgendered someone? Never in someone’s face actually. But I did while talking about someone. Because she was pretransition and always had stubble and would wear a baseball cap backwards. So in person she was clearly a she to me but in my mind’s eye I just saw this man and so said he :/ oof
And the photo? Well it’s hard to see anything on that photo. I’d say a he from the jawline.
It’s rare, but as a long-haired (cis) male, someone might refer to me as ma’am or miss. It hasn’t happened since I worked retail 7 or 8 years ago.
Admittedly, I don’t have many trans folks in my life to refer to. If I see someone and their gender is ambiguous, I default to they/them pronouns. I don’t think I’ve ever offended anyone from misgendering them. I try to respect people and their identities. Hell, I don’t even like misgendering dogs 😅
When I was 6 my mom cutted my hair really short because I had lice and a woman though I was a boy.
Last time I was misgendered: I was a kid. It was NBD honestly.
Last time I misgendered: Forgot their current pronouns, used the old ones, apologised.
I used to have very long hair and from this behind or beside people would call me ma’am and then when I turn to look at them they would correct themselves and say no I said man man.
But I’ve been incredibly fortunate, if I’ve ever Miss gendered anyone either the person I misgendered was kind enough to let it slide or didn’t make a big deal out of it.
It’s very much a nothing Burger in my life.
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In person, the last time I was misgendered was in high school (25+ years ago), online (email mostly) as I have a first name that is typically considered female (however I know easily twice the number of males with the name that I do females) I get misgendered quite often.
As for misgendering someone, I have never intentionally misgendered anyone. In fact I just bumped into one of my customers who recently came out as in transition but his father was not accepting of it and had asked me to continue using his dead name. But now I know he is over 18, so I asked am which I he wanted me to use in public.
I do it often. Some people you just can’t tell. But I don’t really care about gender in a social context since it’s entirely constructed and holds no purpose.
If you are misgendered and it offends you, it means you hold social prejudice against specific genders. Whether that be societal expectations, society’s perception of beauty or braun, or gender roles within society, your opinion is that these are true. Being offended is just your opinions being conflicted with and in this case, you’re being told that you are a thing in society that you have a negative opinion of, enough to be offended.
Disagree?
Well what is the main reason women are offended for being mistook as a man? And what is the main reason men are offended for being mistook as a woman? To be offended, you must think these things are true.
Take away your opinion, and then there is taken away the complaint: “I have been harmed.” Take away the complaint that “I have been harmed” and the harm is taken away.
