I’ll go first…after 10 years of speculating in the market (read: gambling in high risk assets) I realized I shouldn’t ever touch a brokerage account in my lifetime. A monkey would have made better choices than I did. Greed has altered the course of life many times over. I am at an age where I may recover from my actions over the decades, but it has taken its toll. I am frugal and have a good head on me, but having such impulsivity in financial instruments was not how I envisioned my adulthood. Its a bitter pill to swallow, since money is livelihood of my family, but I need to “invest” all I have into relationships, meaningful moments, and fulfilling hobbies.
That choosing a relationship with someone who is monkeybranching into the relationship with you directly from another relationship is you allowing someone in your life who is fundamentally dishonest and manipulative. It’s one thing to be casually dating in general, and just finding someone you click with and ending it with the people you are casually dating, but entering a relationship with someone who pursues you even though they’re in an ostensibly committed relationship is choosing to accept someone who is really not a good person, because they will just do whatever they want and eventually hurt you without a qualm too. Tolerating any of this means you are tolerating abuse, really.
Unfortunately he didn’t tell me this fact until 18 months into it, but that should have been what made me realize that he wasn’t trustworthy and leave then.
Also committing from the get go and falling in love? That’s just also not valuing yourself. You’re just looking for someone to fit into your life because you don’t love yourself enough to wait and take your time and get to know someone, and you’re afraid to be alone and have nobody to care for you. And I did all of that, because I was immature, completely without any idea of how to make it in life alone or cope alone, and I thought that was all I deserved and was the only way to be safe. And it was all wrong.
I gotta spend less time on lemmy
TikTok → Reddit → Lemmy → …grass?
Screw grass, touch moss instead
I prefer to touch lichen
I enjoy a nice fern
Greed has altered the course of life many times over.
I continually fight this myself. I made a fair amount of profit in crypto, but I 100 percent realize that it’s just blind luck. I like the idea of it and I love the news about it, so it’s very difficult for me to not to go 100 percent in every time I see a trend!
So far, I’ve resisted the urge to go to crazy with it, but ugh, it’s tough . And I lie to my gf and tell her that I just follow, but don’t invest. So I’m pretty much the kind of asshole that I grew up despising. lol
I’ve never invested more than I can afford to lose, and cash out the minute I make a little profit. But I can see how addicting it is and how easily some people could fall off the cliff.
A lot of crypto isn’t blind luck any more than the stock market is. I’ve made smart, strategic, well researched crypto investments over 13 years and it’s been quite successful. Bitcoin, Ethereum, Solana, Sui…
If you keep up with the engineering and filter all the noise, it’s historically been really smart investment / store of value.
That said if you’re just following influencers and aren’t an engineer or have a keen eye for finding truly knowledgable people - yeah it’s risky af!!
Yeah, well I have been lucky, but I always cash out early. But it’s hard for me not to just be all in all the time! I do love watching the stands and the news about it though.
Nothing wrong with holding long term something you believe will be a more secure store of value over your local currency. People have always held gold and other precious metals to hedge against government fiat inflation.
Truth! Lemmy is very anti-crypto, but it has a lot of advantages in socialist and anarchist circles. Sometimes Lemmy just hates anything that is popular, because they think it means “rich.”
Even tho the average Lemmy poster makes more than the average Americans wage.
For me, it was “saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.” I was raised around extremely Christian people who emphasized that you should be there for everyone, even at the expense of self.
The problem is, people eventually take advantage of you. Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.
I had this recently. My parents wanted me to make a full hour round trip drive across town to pick them up in the middle of the night so they could save $50 on a taxi. I said, “No,” as I have kids to look after now, and my mom launched into how I’m not family first anymore and after all the things she did for me as a kid, she can’t depend on me to pick her up.
I stuck to my guns though. They conned my brother with the same story, but I set a boundary.
Wow, the “family first” remark, while you’re taking care of your kids, gets me. That’s so familiar.
It’s as if people hearing “no” from you, when you would normally just cave in and do whatever was requested, is an act of aggression from people. It’s strange… they become so hateful.
Good on you for sticking with your boundaries!
Agree with the other commenter. If she ever pulls that line with you again make sure you throw it right back at her. “You’re right, family first. That’s my kids and my spouse.” Maybe she’ll start to realize the family shifts as you age.
I’ve experience this first hand, and watched it from the other side. My mother is extremely “Christian”, and that’s one of her phrases there. To her, people helping her became an expectation, not an act of kindness. She was a single mom, and so people around town would help her out. Like our local appliance guy, he’d give her a deal on a new dishwasher - and then she would push her luck and ask him to install it. And then start calling him directly when the slightest thing might be wrong with it. And then for other appliances. And then for random handiman stuff. She of course never repaid him for everything he did.
Because he’s a Christian, and so was she. So of course he was “happy” to do it for her. A few people eventually did tell her no, and she would immediately convince herself that they were bad people and that she “had to cut them out of her life” because of the negativity.
Reading this shocks me. This is my own Catholic mom exactly! The phrase she always throws around is “family first”, and I’ve had to help her so many times of which she shows appreciation. But when I turn her down, she throws guilt trips at me and sometimes goes as far to suggest I don’t care. Despite setting boundaries for many years, she’ll still test the waters.
I try to remind myself that when I do say yes, they’re never quite as happy/appreciative/etc. as I expected or hoped for.
I try to please the people but the people aren’t even pleased, ugh.
“Yo, you could be at least a little happier and grateful about it, you know I could be {doing something else that I actually enjoy}, I’m just doing this for you!”
This is similar to “be a soldier and suck it up”. I used to keep my objections to myself and go along with things. This doesn’t make your feelings go away, instead it makes resentment build up along with passive aggression. I now speak up but do so reasonably nicely.
I felt this loaf
Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.
To them, it looks like they are the only person to which you say no. This means that you say no because of them. People don’t like being questioned like that.
Add some assurance that the no is not personal.
I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.
It’s easy to do when we’re all surrounded constantly by the paradox of money meaning nothing at all, but also the only material thing that dictates the action and activity of everything past and future
Biggest Pill I’ve had to swallow is that no matter much I love programming and will continue my computer hobbies for life. I will never make a profession out of it. I’m slowly coping with the fact that all my work will ultimately influence very nearly nothing at all…
I’m not here to influence things. I was in the thick of it for a bit, but I’m here now.
I love coding. I get to do it for money. It allows me a nice little apartment in a nice environment and with my wife chipping in her half we’re a little insulated from financial strife. A little.
That’s it. I code, I eat food and live with a beautiful girl who seems to care for me, and we occasionally get to go see family or a strange new place. I’m flying as close to the sun as I dare.
Find peace in your existence and enjoy what you’re doing, whether programming is the bread or it’s the butter. It’s all a means to an end of doing something you love for what little time we have here.
On the other hand I have found a lot of people who turn the hobby they love into a business and it ruins the joy they found in their hobby.
That is certainly a bright side of the matter isn’t it. Maybe keeping the joy alive is more critical than the bread?
I feel you. I think about how intangible code is and how quickly that will fade from existence… It’s heavy, to say the least. And yet the challenge ever calls me to solve a problem with ones and zeroes.
I built a business with my code, and it helps save/improve hundreds of thousands of lives around the world. I don’t want to doxx myself so won’t give any further info.
Just because it’s intangible, your code can still potentially have a huge amount of value.
I agree. The impact can be real, and that’s the case for my coding job too, maybe to a lesser extent than yours. A lot of days I think I have my dream job. But still, digital data isn’t like a Roman ruin or something. It will be gone in 1000 years. Just wild to think about, and sometimes I feel like that fact matters.
I had the opposite, I hated coding and never wanted to do it as a job… But here I am, 9-5 coding. 😅
I did realise at some point that it was actually Java that I hated, not programming. I do, however now work with Kotlin.
I love programming and will continue my computer hobbies for life. I will never make a profession out of it
Why do you say that? Is it by choice or do you not see how you could make it a career?
I’m slowly coping with the fact that all my work will ultimately influence very nearly nothing at all…
What kind of impact were you hoping for? I mean lots of jobs have little “influence” - I would actually say almost all jobs. But that doesn’t mean we are not all part of collective progress.
Could certainly be argued as a choice ultimately. I didn’t quite finish my BS in CS, I’m entering my 30s with a wife that depends on me not leaving my decent and steady warehouse mgmt job atm. I’ve tried a couple of times–last time I was building a great portfolio maintaining a hobbyist arch distro, but I just never got past the interview stages. My network is too small, and the job market seems to be a dumpster fire with no upturn in sight.
I know these are excuses and ultimately it is a choice that I shouldn’t give up on my dreams the way I am, but I wanted to answer your question as honestly as possible for some reason. As far as impact, it’s basically been a lifelong dream of mine to just make software that helps improve the quality of life of as many sentient beings as I possibly can. I know it’s immature and overly idealist, but I can’t shake it
I don’t think it’s immature - I wish more people had that kind of motivation.
But you say you’re entering your 30s. I’d just like to remind you how long time you actually still have. I studied computer science myself and I had multiple friends at the university in their 40s. People do switch up their careers if they want it enough. It is possible.
These are the comments that do me in. Time to repolish the resume and my most practical projects. I can’t believe I’m getting serious about this again, but I do believe in my drive, determination, and earnest passion to be the change I want to see in the software world. I know it’s pointless, and I will almost certainly fail quite miserably, but I also know I have to go down swinging or my soul will rot from the regrets. I just have to fail better–I have to do it despite the pointlessness.
There is nothing pointless about following your passions - in fact I’d say that is the only point of life. It’s the opposite of pointless.
Maybe you need to reframe it as not failure, but progress. See how you get better and closer, not how you didn’t reach the goal. It’s about the journey.
Open source projects and/or contributions can be a good way in.
- Work that is publicly visible to anyone, proving what you can do
- Building a network with the people you interact with
- Learning from open source code & the people who are parts of projects
I didn’t know anything about coding when I decided to fix a small bug in my KDE system that was bugging me… I poked around, asked some questions, figured it out bit by bit… which led to contributing to KDE more, and now I am a paid KDE developer. I now literally get paid to do something I am passionate about, working on a project that I feel makes a very real impact on the world.
I highly recommend open source to help break into the field. Anyone willing to learn and put some effort in can do it, no previous experience needed. :)
Since no one on here will ever know me…
It’s accepting that I have autism and that having autism is ok. My mom used “autistic” as an insult against me, the first time I remember was from age 5 as an attempt to control behavior she saw as undesirable. Running circles outside until I wore the grass out and flapping my hands about was something I needed to feel ashamed about according to her. And so I hid that and everything else she criticized so hard that I couldn’t accept that the reason I struggled so hard with a lot of things in my life wasn’t because I was just some innate failure but because I had an unaddressed condition that was she not only refused to help with but actively made worse.
To this day I still cannot do things like make eye contact, or tolerate being touched. But I’ve learned to not only accept myself for who I am, but accept that little boy who never understood why his own mother never seemed to be able to love him.
I have to force myself to make eye contact when talking. I usually look away when talking, it helps me think. Some people think you aren’t being sincere but oh well.
💔
You can do everything right that people taught you. But you only start living when you make mistakes, fuck up, and find the places where you belong, and a picture perfect life doesn’t bring you happiness; it’s rather shallow and lonely.
That paired with the realization that my mental disabilities will make me lonely for the rest of my life and there’s only so much I can do about it without having breakdowns.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.”
- Jean-Luc Picard
That I didn’t know who I was. My lack of self awareness hampered my growth trajectory, my maturity, and relationships. My first failed marriage was a pinnacle of this issue. Though, fast forward 5 years, I’m a vastly different person, know who I am and what I want and where I want to end up. I feel guilty for my ex wife and the impact I had on them. I hope they’re happier where ever they may be.
That sounds super healthy actually. Good outlook to have. We all make mistakes, what matters is if we learned from them.
Self discovery - the journey of a lifetime
Know thyself…congrats. I can say with certainty that the guilt of affecting ones close to you will never leave you. Light comes from darkness.
That no matter how often people said it as a kid, I’m not capable of anything I put my mind to. I’m not smart, I’m very very mediocre at best, and my interests don’t align with my capabilities so my only options for work are things I don’t generally want to do.
I only really had 2 goals in life, a third developed later, and I’ve failed at all if them. I wanted to be in a loving relationship (going on 40 and have been single for the last decade), to not be the person who hates going to their job every day, and eventually I started wanting to own a home because I found that I need space for the hobbies I enjoyed. It’s a Sinatra song right, 0 out of 3 ain’t bad? Something like that… Lol
I grew being told I was smart. And to be fair, I am. I always grasped things quick and got through school without much effort.
But what it really ended up being was undiagnosed ADHD.
But when I had to really focus and stick with something for an extended period of time I always struggled. Especially when I lost the structure of being forced to go to school every day.
Im 35 this year and I never expected to be able to hold down a relationship, I had flings but nothing stuck. It wasn’t until other things in life going that I rekindled a missed connection from years past. It was only 2 years ago and now she and her daughter live with me.
As for hobbies, I really wish there was a better way to do it than owning all my own stuff. Communal woodshops and auto shops that were more easily accessible. Then hacker spaces for the more niche things. But I know that’s a resource that’s more accessible around cities.
Why won’t you try your luck at love again? Buying a house is easier done with a partner who works too…
That’s one part that’s really killing me, not having the relationship makes not having the house pretty much guaranteed.
It’s sorta complicated, but mostly I’m just not a desirable person and I live in an area that’s predominantly really really old people. With my lack of education and the general state of the economy, moving away from my job never felt smart and because of where I live moving is really complicated. I can’t get a new job first because the move would put to way too far for a commute so you’re stuck in that “how can I get a place to live without a job, and how do I get a job without a place to live?” situation.
I’m sorry you’re in such circumstances, yeah, it’s kinda shit… But hopefully you’re wrong about being undesirable and someone good and not too old comes along! Maybe it could start online? Anyway, sorry again, God bless you.
No worries, thanks for the kind words! Hope you have a great weekend! :)
not a desirable person
This is one thing you need to resolve. People pick up on this and it is self-sabotage. I bet you judge yourself far more harshly than anyone else does and things you think are bad about yourself no one even pays attention too.
As far as the other issues lots of people have dealt with it. You obviously need to move and I’d study what job opportunities are possible out there. I’d keep an open mind about what jobs I could do too. Save up what money you can to get a new place. I suspect you don’t have much stuff so the act of moving could be as easy as renting a u-haul. Jobs almost always will accommodate a new person if they need a few weeks to move if you tell them up front. Believe me, if I could do it anyone can.
how can I get a place to live without a job, and how do I get a job without a place to live?" situation.
as someone who went through this exact situation, I decided to just say “fuck it” and kinda threw myself out into the universe, with the understanding that if I failed the landing I was probably just going to die. I was homeless for a little bit, and the first job I had was a lot shittier than anything I’d worked before, but it is possible. The biggest issue I’d say is the lack of education; however, my partner at the time only had a high school diploma and was able to leverage his service industry experience to quickly find work.
Yes, at a certain point you have to pull the trigger. I’ve found that my fear of possible problems has been far greater than reality and I was always able to find a way around them and progress. Blind faith in yourself, even if you have to pretend, really helps. lol
On the plus side, you’re eloquent and express yourself very well. Any interest in writing/editing as a career or side hustle?
I appreciate the compliment!! I had thought about writing, but whenever I try I get like two sentences down and immediately start thinking “who the hell am I to be writing something?” I start feeling like a pretentious jerk and stop lol
Ugh, I hate the lie we’ve promoted for decades that “you can be anything!” and “you’re all special!”. No, we can’t all be anything we want. I’ll never be a rock star, I’ll never be a great athlete, etc. And we aren’t all special, we are more alike than we may care to admit.
Your specific issues may be due to unrealistic expectations. Do you hate jobs in general due to being on a schedule all the time? Should you have your own business? Look at what you choose in other people, what you look for may need to change since it has a bad track record. Look at your own behavior too, are you self sabotaging? Do you have bad traits like a short temper? As far as a house that has so many variables like where you live may just be too expensive, need to look harder for smaller and older homes in your price range, etc.
As far as the job goes, I just meant that my interests are more aligned with scientific research/discovery but that I’m in no way shape or form a “scientist.” I’m nowhere near smart enough for that. Other than that I do like fixing things, but I hate driving and I need a schedule. I hated being a service technician never knowing when the day would be over and having to get a call once I got home to go back out.
For the house, it’s 100% the area… Houses that are basically twice burned down, glorified sheds, once selling for $60k USD back in 2016 are now $250k+ it’s absolute insanity.
Are you qualified to be a technical assistant? You could get involved in a science oriented environment without, say, having a degree in a scientific field. It could be pharmacology, etc.
I’m not sure if I am qualified to do that, but I’d have to look into it. I appreciate the suggestions! Certainly would beat the dead end factory job I have now lol
I agree, I’m not saying anyone should be put down for wanting to try something difficult but that they should be told of the odds of success. Maybe encourage them to put their effort into something more achievable. Everyone should be allowed to try of course, no one has good odds for becoming famous/successful but inevitably some people will be
When people told me I was smart as a child/young adult, what they really meant was I was showcasing a skill they lacked, which the overwhelming majority of people don’t give a shit about an adult having.
Often synonymous with just having an above average vocabulary. Ohhhh if only that’s all it took to be truly smart …
I’m a bitter, angry, mfer and I need to chill out sometimes
Same here. I lose my temper too easily then I get back to normal quickly and wonder why I was so upset.
You are me.
I play shitty passive-aggressive mindgames. When I bleed, scorpions and stinging-flies spawn from the puddles.
Relatable tbh. I think a good part of it was depression in my younger years, but, I used to be an incredibly angry person.
It took a long time for me to accept that the truth is, you don’t get angry about shit you don’t care about. Hard to accept that half the things I’d get angry at weren’t worth it. The other half anger just wasn’t a helpful response. Been a long process of learning to have a better reaction for me.
Yeah I had a lot of issues as a kid too and being angry felt a hell of a lot better than being sad. Eventually it just got exhausting though. I can only imagine how annoying I was for other people to deal with. At least I was never one to lash out at others too much thanks to my mother showing me how it felt to be on the receiving end of that all the time.
Being angry is still basically my default emotional state but it’s at least much less intense than it used to be which I think is a decent achievement considering how much there is to be angry about these days
That life is truly a neverending struggle. Sure, you get to enjoy some of that struggle, and you can take a break every now and then. Nevertheless, the only time you’re truly free from it is when you’re dead.
No, I don’t plan to end it immaturely. Please don’t put me on suicide watch. I still have my people to take care of. 😅
Me too, thanks.
Life would be boring and meaningless without some struggle. Would you like to play a game where you just constantly win without even trying? Boring.
There’s a difference between “win without even trying” and “barely holding up”
Of course
I truly wish you the least boring and most meaningful life possible. May you gag on your own medicine for the rest of your years.
I guess it sounded harsher than I intended. Some people get way more struggle than their share and I wish it wasn’t that way. What I posted above is what I tell myself sometimes when I’m feeling exhausted. Life truly is a never ending struggle, but I try to not fall into despair over it.
That I actually do have a bad temper and do get angry very easily, that my anger does not justify my verbal/physical reactions (nor was I ‘right’ just because I was angry) and that these reactions will hurt those I care about/those I don’t care about but still didn’t deserve my violence, which is a surefire way to end up in jail (perhaps) and in Hell (more likely).
For everyone who has similar issues, try to remember two things:
- Ambiguous behaviour does not mean aggressive behaviour.
- The flesh is weak. If you, in your anger, start a fight and perhaps just push someone and they crack their head and die/lose function, you’ll never live it down, you will always be the guy who killed someone in anger (and not even righteous anger, you’re just temperamental). And it can happen very quickly too! A good man cannot live with that, only a hell-bound one can, so either you’ll be oppressed by your guilt or you’ll realize you’ve lost your humanity and you’re a full on psycho.
I needed to read this
If you’re gonna break the law, be smart about it. In the time it takes you to do it the right way, you probably will have these feelings pass. If not… get that shitter.
For me it was the discovery that my parents were shitty people on the narcissism spectrum. I had no clue, because when you grow up in a toxic environment, it’s your “normal” and all you know.
